To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
You Might Also Like
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Monday
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!