My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
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Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”