Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
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Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Bloody internet 😳
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
mathematically impossible
Sing it!
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”