The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
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taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?