If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
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Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening