I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
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Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
I ate everything, including the H.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”