My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
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My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting