Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
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me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one