“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
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Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online