That seems a conundrum…
🤔
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That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Well, shit
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons