Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
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Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Why is it spelled camouflage and not