Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
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me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.