When can I start eating bats again.
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People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Rambo Rambow
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.