I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
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Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God