CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
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Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.