Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
You Might Also Like
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.