I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
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SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
God has left this place
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!