20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
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Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Just got to our Airbnb!
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!