NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
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Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.