Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
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Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels