friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
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Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Passed by a old school Math example today.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat