At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
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I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too