It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
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I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
pep talk
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal