You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
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How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
How can I say no to this ?
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Had an epiphany today.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women