Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
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Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.