*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
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Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.