Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
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Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
*scroll*
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.