I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
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What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Best spot.. 😅
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all