*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
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Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
any last words?
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%