When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
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Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
excuse me
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…