“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
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Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
#JohnTravolta
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.