I’m too immature for adultery.
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ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
“i miss shittin on people”
boat question
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting