If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
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“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?