“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
You Might Also Like
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.