I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
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The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH