[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
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Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.