why would tinder want me to say this
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Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I need to get some bricks…
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Cake safety first. Always.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
This could’ve been an email.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?