we all know this pain all too well
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new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this