LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
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If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon