Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
You Might Also Like
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
When I said I liked it rough.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
May never get over this
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.