me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
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I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.