Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
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When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Canadian owl: Eh?
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
You saw nothing. I am ham.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*