The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
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Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I ate everything, including the H.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.