I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
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Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Cashiers are always checking me out
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.