Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.