ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
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“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.