If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
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[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.