I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
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“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?