🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
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Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
good let them take over I have had enough
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me