Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
my sentiments exactly
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.